Mad World
by Marte
Summary: A songfic with Cassidy's thoughts on the night of the graduation-party.


**Disclaimer: As always; I don't own anything. Cassidy and the rest of the cast of Veronica Mars belongs to their creator Rob Thomas, and the CW-network. Wish I did, though it helps that I get to play around with them :) The song "Mad World" belongs to the British band "Tears for Fears" and is written by Roland Orzabal.**** The song in my head, and on my iPod, is the version from the Donnie Darko-movie.**

**Authors note: My third songfic. It's getting to the point where I can't listen to a song without thinking about one or other of the VM-characters. Here's my look into the mind of Cassidy Casablancas. Also; I'm not sure when Dick and Cassidy's mother left them, so if we ever got to know that, and I forgot, I'm sorry.**

**Reviews make me super-duper happy ;)  
**

Cassidy entered the suite at the Grand with Mac, for what was the big event of the year; the graduation-party. As always his brother and Logan had gone way overboard, and the suite was packed with people. And as always Cassidy felt like an outsider.

_All around me are familiar faces  
Worn out places, worn out faces  
Bright and early for their daily races  
Goin' nowhere, goin' nowhere  
Their tears are fillin' up their glasses  
No expression, no expression  
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow  
No tomorrow, no tomorrow_

He could feel Mac squeeze his hand reassuringly. Tonight was the big night; the night he would prove to himself that he indeed was a man, and could do it with a girl. A girl who was even conscious and willing. Yeah, tomorrow all would be right with the world. Well, except for the blood on his hands, but he had only done what he had to do.

These people running in circles around him; they didn't live in the real world. Everyday they stayed in their little bubble of pretend-perfect, and didn't saunter outside of it to take a look at how people that didn't fit their recipe on how to be popular actually managed to go from day to day. Cassidy had always wanted to belong to the group of these "perfect" people, but even as Dick Casablancas' younger brother he hadn't really measured up. He didn't know why exactly. They had always been after him for being too soft and not courageous. Hah, if only they had known what he had spent the last months doing!

_And I find it kind of funny  
I find it kind of sad  
The dreams in which I'm dyin'  
Are the best I've ever had  
I find it hard to tell you  
'Cause I find it hard to take  
When people run in circles  
It's a very, very  
Mad world, mad world  
Mad world, mad world_

Yeah, he had to admit he did pretend too. He did pretend that he was okay. That nothing, except for his extremely dumb and annoying brother, bothered him. But the truth was that in a way he wanted it all to end.

He had had his fair share of nightmares growing up, and the sad thing was that he didn't, like most people would, place the dreams where he found himself dying or dead in that category. He would wake up everyday, to no one ready and waiting with breakfast, and catching a ride with his (again; this can't be stressed enough in Cassidy's opinion) stupid brother to school. Where he spent the day as an invisible.

He _had_ tried telling them about what happened after the Little League-practices; his brother and his parents. But it was around the time Dick for some reason (Cassidy still didn't know why) had started calling him Beaver, and stopped taking anything he did or said seriously. And their parents; both too engrossed in themselves to care about either each other _or_ their children, had fought all the time until his mother had at last (well, it would take some willpower to split with the rich and socially well-respected Richard Casablancas Sr., Cassidy thought. She could do far worse. But then; she had ended up far better off; marrying into the political circuit around Schwarzenegger) left.

_Children waitin' for the day they feel good  
Happy birthday, happy birthday  
And they feel the way that every child should  
Sits and listen, sits and listen  
Went to school and I was very nervous  
No one knew me, no one knew me  
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson?  
Look right through me, look right through me_

Cassidy would never forget the day his mom left. Left him with the two Richard Casablancas; one only interested in his business, the other only interested in his popularity, neither of which Cassidy was a part of. Thus he was left to himself and his misery. It was a week before his tenth birthday. He spent the whole week praying that his mother would come back to celebrate with him, but she didn't even call. His father and brother spent the day at the golf-course, and forgot all about his birthday too. He spent the afternoon on his bed crying, wishing that his life would be filled with happiness and laughter instead of loneliness and shame.

The only birthday-celebration Cassidy received that year was when Mr. Goodman took the entire Little League-team to Woody's for hamburgers and ice-cream. Mr. Goodman was a kind man, but Cassidy was sure that an adult man was not supposed to do what Woody was doing to him and some of the other boys on the team. If only someone would notice.

As the years went by Cassidy realised just how wrong those actions were, and at the same time he was more and more ashamed. At school he was always nervous that someone would notice that something bothered him, or that some of the other boys would crack. They had agreed that they wouldn't tell anyone, but the secrecy and shame was difficult to live with. In some ways Cassidy wished someone had noticed, but as always both his teachers and fellow students looked right through him

_And I find it kind of funny  
I find it kind of sad  
The dreams in which I'm dyin'  
Are the best I've ever had  
I find it hard to tell you  
'Cause I find it hard to take  
When people run in circles  
It's a very, very  
Mad world, mad world  
Mad world, mad world_

Then Mac had come around. Mac, who appreciated him for who he was (although he wasn't so sure she would if she knew what he had done), and even seemed to love him. If only he could love her back. He wasn't sure he was able to. But tonight he would at least pretend. He was a good pretender. No one suspected a thing. Veronica Mars had been snooping around, but he was sure she couldn't have figured it out, however good she was at those things. No, he was certain his life would go on as always, with the only difference that tomorrow he would be a man.

He would have told Mac everything, but it was too difficult. He wasn't sure just how deep her feelings for him were; if she would understand that he had trusted her with this, and not rat him out. No it was best to keep it hidden. And by killing Marcos and Peter, he was sure that no one else knew. Well, apart from Woody obviously, but _he_ for one would not tell a soul. And besides; Woody's days here on earth were very soon to be ended anyway. Yeah, tomorrow all would be right with the world. Well, except for the blood on his hands, but he had only done what he had to do.

And then all those people running in circles around him now in this suite, looking to see if they found anyone as fabulous as themselves to hang out with, or make out with, would be eating their words.

_And I find it kind of funny  
I find it kind of sad  
The dreams in which I'm dyin'  
Are the best I've ever had  
I find it hard to tell you  
'Cause I find it hard to take  
When people run in circles  
It's a very, very  
Mad world, mad world  
Mad world, mad world  
A raunchy young world  
Mad world_

He had known he couldn't do it. Mac was devastated, he could see it in her eyes, although she tried to hide it. He had known. Why couldn't he just admit it to himself; he was fucked up. Ah, and now, apparently, that little bitch knew something. There was only one thing to do. It's not like he hadn't killed before. As he met her on the roof he saw the fear in her eyes. And when he threatened to kill her father it became even worse. He hesitated for a moment; she had the loving father he had always wanted for himself, - could he really take that away from her? Of course he could. It was for the greater good. Maybe not for the world, but for him, and that was all Cassidy considered nowadays. It's not like the world had treated him particularly well anyway, so he didn't owe anyone anything.

Then Logan turned up. Why, oh why, couldn't he just mind his own business? And then that name; _Beaver_. Couldn't they understand? _His name was Cassidy._ It was over now. He knew what he had to do.

Yeah, tomorrow all would be right with the world. Well, except for the blood on his hands, but he had only done what he had to do.

END

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